What Love is Not: Is YOUR Relationship Healthy?
What is love, really?
The thing is, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of explanations about what love is and what love should feel like. However, no one talks about the really important stuff – what love is not.
See, sometimes you get stuck in an unhealthy relationship unknowingly – you’re not even aware love shouldn’t be like that!
That’s because you think that’s the way things should be.
It’s what you’ve been unintentionally taught while growing up. It’s what Hollywood teaches us – to give ourselves unconditionally.
However, love doesn’t always work that way – and you need to put yourself first.
Drop your old beliefs and learn what love is & what love is not.
Because remember, YOU deserve to be in a loving, supportive relationship that will make you feel good about yourself. Follow up to read my own PERSONAL experience of how I learned – the hard way! – what love is not and how do I tell if a relationship is worth my time!
Here’s a big secret of mine:
My bed has seen a lot of emotions!
I wish those were good emotions: love, happiness, passion.
The reality is quite different: my bed has seen a lot of negative emotions!
Unfortunately, tears and pain are what my bed has witnessed the most. I was lonely, severely depressed and spent hours and days crying and cuddling a pillow.
But that isn’t even the worst part of it all.
The worst part of it is that I felt that way because of love – all the time while being in a (seemingly) adult relationship!
Is love supposed to feel that way?
I wasn’t aware of this at the time but let me tell you now: it’s a big, fat NO.
Love isn’t supposed to feel like that.
Love isn’t pain.
Love isn’t mean to hurt you – in any way whatsoever.
Relationships shouldn’t be painful – and shouldn’t feel like you’re the only one trying to make it work!
I mean, sure, there are the highs and the lows in each relationship – those are completely okay.
I’m talking here about the times when you feel like the world is crumbling to pieces just because of something your partner has said or done intentionally – even if they knew that was going to cause you suffering.
The problem with me was that my view of how love should feel and look like was contaminated. I was doing what my parents were doing and thought that’s completely normal. (watch video for more info on this)
I would be in an adult relationship with another human being – and yet ended up craving love and affection, and felt completely unfulfilled!
It took me years and years to realize that I mistook love for pain.
Don’t repeat my mistakes.
Learn when it’s the time to get out of a relationship and leave for good!
Are you in a healthy relationship?
Here’s what I learned from my own personal experience!
You’re able to communicate openly
And not only is that communication effective BUT also, your partner actually listens to whatever you have to say. Your S.O. understands your needs – both physical and emotional! – because you both are able to communicate in a clear, open, mature way.
If you can’t be like:
Hey, this thing you’re doing to me? Yeah, that hurts. Could you please stop doing that?
And the other side doesn’t say something like:
Oh, SURE, sorry, I wasn’t aware of it!
… then you might be in for some pain you DON’T deserve!
You feel secure – even when you fight
There will be times in a relationship when you will argue about something – and that’s okay. In healthy relationships, you know you’ll be able to overcome this and you still feel loved & secure.
What’s not okay is when your partner disappears for hours, days or maybe even weeks, leaving you to question whether you’re still in this or NOT!
As I said, it’s okay to fight. It’s not okay if your partner completely distances himself/herself from you making you feel horrible for days and weeks.
It takes two to tango, after all.
Both of you know how to compromise
And at the same time, neither of you are feeling like one of you is giving up on something. If you have this, congratulations, you’re in it for the long run!
Not always getting what you want isn’t that big of a deal.
BUT if you feel like you keep giving without receiving anything in return, you will get emotionally drained over time. You too deserve the same love, attention & affection you’ve been giving!
You feel good about yourself
A good relationship won’t make you question your insecurities all the time. Instead, your S.O. will understand and support you in overcoming any insecurity of yours.
Of course, you can’t expect them to make you happy if you’re not happy with yourself first.
However, if you constantly feel that you’re not enough and you feel the pressure to be more all the time, then you may want to reconsider who you are spending your time with.
Your partner inspires you to be a better person
A good partner won’t make you feel like you need to change something – anything really.
Instead, they’ll love and support you so much, that you WILL end up feeling inspired to become the best possible version of yourself!
Remember what we said:
Love shouldn’t be about pain.
It’s great if you love the other person – just don’t forget to love yourself too.
And trust me when I say – once you learn what real love is really about, you won’t settle down for anything less!
Which red flags did you notice about your relationship that you’ve chosen to ignore in the past? Did you learn any lesson the hard way – just like I did? Share with me in the comments – I’d love to hear other people’s experiences!